Working Hard or Hardly Working?
Hellooooo computahhh peepallll. I just need to throw some stuff at a wall and get it outta my head. Maybe throw in an update. #PUBLICJOURNALING
Ok so I am in the process of making a new webpage (s). I know HUGE news. And of course it is wildly over complicated for what it actually will be (clicking like ONE thing...). And it does not help that I have managed to somehow come up with another thing... that usually is done with teams of people when I am NOT a team of people. I spent all of yesterdays awake time making a sign (which is just the title of the page)... and I like it. Who knows if I will like it when it is all put together. And there's soooooooooo many things I have to do still because it all will be handmade minus like 3 text boxes... so me of the future bare with the me of the present and the past. We are only one guy. It is either going to be a mess or the best thing ever, and I am not even close to coding it XDDD.
And I have said it a million times by now but the way I approach these personal projects is by setting out with the intention to learn something new or retrain something I haven't touched in a minute. Which leads me to my venting. One thing I don't have much experience with is Background/Interior/Environments (I am somewhat more comfortable with landscapes, probably because of the organic shapes). And if you did not know... it's hard as fuck to draw a room from your brain. Maybe it is because I have a severe deficiency in creativity and imagination, but I have been ripping hairs out over cubes and fucking interior design for something really only I will gaf about. There is an overall absurdity to literally everything (that I am acknowledging right now only). Another thing I want to learn is Illustrator because Adobe for some stupid reason moved all their 3D stuff from photoshop over to Illustrator. And you CAN make some cool shit that I think would vibe with what I have got going on online. TLDR: I have been spending an enormous amount of my time watching tutorial/tips/trick videos to try and soothe my headaches.
I want to find the right words to express my feelings on this, but if it comes out like nonsense just nod like you get it. Basically it's not so much that the tutorials aren't tutorials or the tips aren't valid tips... but there's almost always a presumption that whoever is watching the video must be either a suicidal art student, an industry professional, or someone who is just insecure? If that's the right word. Like there's like an underlining conversation (and you can see it acknowledged in the comments) that everyone in need of this video, to just learn how to make something, is doing it with intention to gratify OTHER people? Or to sell it? And it is so frustrating. Because I am doing all this for myself. Did I miss the memo where individual creative process was for OTHERS? It makes me feel bad. Like I must be drawing to feed an industry over my own soul. And then I AM insecure because shit! I didn't go to art school, I don't have industry creatives I can ask for help, I am on Youtube drawing to put things on the fridge. There's implication that everyone must be striving for fame and fortune and creative genius, which reflects back on me (just wanting to see someone else's process) that I SHOULD be doing more. I feel icky. I get that its free and made with honest intention, and it definitely is helping someone... somewhere. But why is it only creative fields that get the free life advice package in a How To video?
What is it all for if all this art is being boiled down to "work" ???? I don't know maybe I just disagree with the general consensus. #Me problems. If I thought about it more I could probably apply this to other things and boil it all down to my own issue with society or some grand scheme. But I get to be frustrated right now about Youtube tutorials because I just want to learn something and instead I am getting separate advice that is not applicable to drawing in perspective. No surprises that the good videos are from actual art educators but it really does suck seeing how many people outside of something like academic structure make their existence a job. Dude its yours, its from YOU!!!!
That out of the way... I am excited for this thing. Even if it does not come out how I wanted it to (usually the case) at least I made it and it was made and I did it for myself and got something out of the process. This is becoming a very valuable mindset... especially online right now so I have to keep myself positive if only to defeat the AI dude bros. So true.
Other life news, I have not been keeping track of the days which has been a blessing and a curse. HOW IS IT ALMOST HALLOWEEN???? My milk was expired and I didn't know because I've been like a week behind the calendar... BUT being conscious is easier when day and night are just with or without light. I am not sure I feel very tethered to the planet atm (not new), but even going full Intangible we keep it moving. I have been strangely cold. Which may or may not be an underlying health issue I should get checked out. BUT I have been taking vitamins, which should keep me immortal or whatever the doctors say. I want sorbet, preferably from pomegranate-raspberry-hibiscus flavor table. And I am gonna (TRY to) go to the movies twice this week and make sure to see The Devils in 35MM. OH! Not sure if I mentioned it here yet how deep into Deadpool I got during "Don't KYSeptember" but he will probably be getting a shrine some point in the future. That new nursepool skin had me contemplating downloading and playing a fps mmo... LOL. Speaking of games I need to update the gaming page at some point because I HAVE been playing games. Dressmaker... So good. The Message from Deep Space... SOOOO GOOD.
I DO feel like that one image of an empty fridge with the text "Does anyone know any methods at all?" How do people determine what to do with all this time? How do you get rid of the goblin in the corner screaming "ITS ALL POINTLESS!!!!" Not sure. Maybe its time to reread some Camus. I am going to keep eating and drinking water like a good multicellular organism, and making this new webpage. Ok swag. Thanks again to everyone who has said something nice since the last time I said thanks for saying nice things!
<3 BEE