SpaghettiOs
Walk of shame back onto my hole on the internet. Hello my html, I think of you fondly.
Okay so MAYBE I am a great big liar when I said updates would be back and plentiful but look I actually have so many good excuses... I finally get a computer and my life goes up in flames. The way of things. I should have predicted it but to be fair I exist in a state of unpredictability. I think if I focus hard enough I could teleport. Allow me to illustrate my plights to the void forever so that they may be decoded and laughed at by some crab-like archeology student in the year 50,001. YES. The diary factory fucking EXPLODED.
Firstly, I don't know if you know this but I have... so many issues and life has a reallllllll funny way of throwing them in your face sometimes. My mother, who was and still will forever be the worst human being to ever exist in the entire history of the human race, CROAKED and DIED one random Thursday last month. And of course I had to deal with the ripples of that, or the lack thereof from family and such. BUT THEN GET THIS, my GRANDMOTHER, no less than a WEEK LATER, ALSO croaked and died. And while I have similarly strong opinions about her... the back to back death of people that had a DIRECT role of #messingmeup no matter how far and away you THINK you might be... still can really mess you up. Shocker. I moved out of my home state last year, so people dying and funerals happening... in a family you kinda have no contact with (esp with whatever the fuck is going on with the airports these days) leaves one in a very weird state of limbo. It feels like I need a Socratic seminar on the moral implications of attending and not attending an abusers funeral service. Neither of which I did, I do not have the money for all that, but still, having to sign my mothers cremation paperwork digitally and my moms mom and her entire side the family refusing to talk to me, in the SAME BREATH as my fathers mom DYING... and having to get all it through my FATHER... like some death game of telephone- I DIGRESS. Grief is SO fucking weird. And then as per my last post to the void, the old woman I live (lived?) with broke both her legs and has been blowing my phone up ever since. She is at rehab for probably the rest of her life and OF COURSE, I am STILL on her radar. I am an IT man and also an insurance agent and also a lawyer and a stock broker and a mail man and- holy shit LEAVE ME ALONE. And it is like, what can you do? I have to be all these things because who else will? I do have empathy. I get it, you want some sense of normalcy and you care for the state of your home but REALITY CHECK... both your legs are STILL broken. We do not need the carpet cleaned, I do not have to change the sheets on your bed, the bed bug guy is my problem not yours, I can deal with the ceiling leak without your input, please focus on... idk WALKING. DO not even get me started on trying to maintain 'friendships' just know its been stupid too. Dealing with all of that (imagine I am waving vaguely in a random direction of your choosing) on top of you know the #me problems is reallyyyyyyy something. Life is so hard.
People in my life aside... Creatively I feel or should say have felt, detached from whomever the fuck made this website. I will be honest, right now I am not that person, and if I am... well bad news we are reinventing ourselves for the 50th time this month. I did make this place as an expression of myself as I need constant quick time events on who I am (because what is a day in my life without some form of Identity Disturbance). It just that the 5 or so months of focusing the self elsewhere (the pitt fanart) makes creating for MYSELF actually very scary. I have placed my value into other hands and newsflash that is never a smart play. We are reaching new lows. And what's crazy, that I am trying wrap my head around this week, is I think I feel the most inspired, and able? in terms of actually PRODUCING and observing and you know, appreciating art. And yet I am still lost? The joys of wanting, and generally NEEDING to be a creative person in a reality that does not give a FUCK about that.
Why does everything have to be soul destroying? Is that not miserable? It is and I am angry about it. I will probably be angry about it forever. There is a consistent lack of direction in my life and I just want to be content. The issue (issues) is that I have no idea what it looks like or what needs to happen or what I am currently doing wrong ETC ETC ETC. And only I have the answers??? Oh my god. Self awareness is a curse. I am already crazy so imagine being driven crazier and having to hold on. Exhausting. Leaving ramblecity... trying to not be emotionally insane actually takes a lot of energy and that energy is also used to make things like websites or fanart or reading or watching movies. And its been easier on my brain space.. to watch a movie and draw yaoi than it is to self reflect and personalize some code. What is new. But I do think I am in desperate need for self expression again or the world might explode. We absolutely have to get it together. Taking care of yourself is so hard. I need to clean the apartment, I need to dye my hair, I need to go outside and see trees (I have gone outside maybe 4 times this year) I need to figure out some new aspect of my being and stop giving a fuck what people think about me. Somehow this was the only place (big open void) that allowed me to not give so much of a fuck about anything. I wish I was a monkey being forced to write Shakespeare.
A little bonkers to me this place I MADE? still gets very nice comments from random strangers, but I really do appreciate it. Sometimes a 5AM atabook email from an Anonymous User saying "Briain" will fix you. I am going to work on The Pitt shrine (because I do really like this show) and if it turns out horrible well who cares. #MENTALITY. #GRINDSET. ZEN! If there is nothing from me in another month assume some other terrible thing happened and the silence is for good reason. Laugh out loud.
<3 Bee or some other entity.