The Void

Junky Monkey

Here be an update. It is a long one!

Web dev and creativity is weird for me right now. Perfectionism will be the end of me. If anyone has any pro-tips on overcoming deep insecurity please bless me with your wisdom. It took me literally a month of doing close to nothing just to plan out how I wanted ONE page to look. My process is so flawed, 90% of the time I am sitting there moving elements back and forth by the pixel for hours. (I wish I could have a simple html site but we are in farrrr too deep atp). The videogame page is somewhat satisfactory to the meat in my head. I got this new brush on Procreate and it has been a game changer for my web graphics. I like this new colorful funky chunky art style. I just wanted a place to easily sort through my games. In the tedious process of gathering 300+ titles, I realized I had a treasure trove of like 1000 games sitting in my Itch.io account... I had completely forgot about actually REAPING the rewards for the charity bundles. Doofus!!

Also- W3Schools is my lifeblood atp. Seriously if you want to get better at JS or want something to work a certain way- just go over there and 90% of the time they will have a step by step tutorial for it. It is so great. I think I have gotten pretty comfortable with coding. KEYWORD: comfortable. Is my code well formatted? No. Could I explain it to someone? Maybe. Do I understand it? Yah! Does it work? YES! As of right now I cannot be bothered about the proper techniques of the 1s and 0s. It is messy but I am free. OH! I also learned how to use userscripts on my iphone, and I have ascended into a new realm of mobile AO3 perusing. I realized that an A03 userscript is something I KNOW how to make (it is fr just JS!!) so I made one for swapping out words and phrases so I can live my life as the delusional self shipper that I am. I want to wake a tutorial page since I think everyone should have userscripts on AO3 mobile. It is seriously a life changer.

Maybe if I share what my ideas are I will be more inclined to pick one and start it TODAY!!! So here is my full to-do list / ideas for the site as of right now. There is no order. I am going to pick which ever one seems practical for me to do next and roll with it. I really want to make the Mad Max shrine but it seems so scary since it is seriously my favorite thing on the planet.

TO DO:

Life updates... I love sharing too much information online!!! I am so glad that the end of July and beginning of August is over. I was in SUCH a bad place mentally for the majority of it. I would say I am still stuck in the muck. Like knee deep instead of almost drowning. This week I am hung up on the self (what is new). I do not feel like a whole person. I want to be someone SO bad, but I have this evil thing that makes me not know who I am. It is hard to put into words the feeling of deeply loathing yourself while not knowing who you are. Bleh!!!! I have been badly wanting a friend. Online is cool and all but I unforch live in the real world. I have ZER0 real life friends and ZER0 family (tldr: they all fkn suck). My room is like the glamping version of solitary confinement. It all around sucks. It has sucked my entire life. It would be cool if it sucked less. UGH!!!!! I want to be cool! I DO want friends!!!!!!!!!! I DO want a life not matter how much I tell myself otherwise. I want to go to a bar. I want tattoos and a septum piercing (a big obnoxious one that makes me off putting to the general public). I should STILL get bangs!!!! Dude- I "joined" a book club to try and maybe make a friend but I couldn't get myself to go down the street to the library to get the damn books so I have not participated in it for 2 months now. So embarrassing. I am going to try and at least walk outside when the weather starts to get better. No really I have GOT to GET A GRIP!!!! We persist. Know that if you are a functional human being I am very jealous of you.

I DID successfully bleach and dye my hair for the first time ever by MYSELF. It came out pretty good (thanks to the pressures of being seen at a MCR concert). I had to switch dyes since Crazy Colors has not restocked Vermillion in EONS (Red dyers worst nightmare). After many months of debate, I chose Midnight Ruby by SPLAT. Realistically I am never gonna dye my hair anything besides red. I figured carpet dye that LASTS is the way to go. It is a very nice shade of red and has not faded much at all in 5 washes! YAY! I was fkn terrified of switching reds. Glad I got over myself for once. I then saw MCR and I think it was the best day of my life. I am so proud of myself for making the trip. It took everything for me to do it but I DID IT!! I am functioning in here somewhere!!! I should have socialized but I just sat there (melting in the heat) freaking out about being in public and seeing MCR for like 6 hours till it started. I did it though, all that matters now. Oh and literally EVERY interest I had at 14 is back in full swing. She was on to something. I find myself reminiscing about concerts long past and old tumblr days. I was so cool at 14. She had a life. A very messy and sad one but it was a life!! I would hate to live it again (I was arguably more miserable) but I wish the 2010s could have lasted forever. Time... I hate you time.

Okay, fini. Bit lengthy but I had to get this junk out. Sorry if you read all of that. Hope everyone has a great August. All 200????!! of you!?!? Know that I think you all are so SO cool!!! I love seeing everyone's' updates. It is so fun.

<3 BEE