Muddy Maladies
AH!!!!!
I have found myself deep in the bowels of anhedonia. I think I am slowly coming out of it but good lord has the past month (give or take) been a fucking GAUNTLET of the mind. I do not know what exactly was my deal but I have found myself not able to do much of anything (WHICH IS EMBARASSING) yes it happens a lot but every time it does happen I am surprised and even more dumbfounded than the last. I have so many ideas for everything in my life and I cannot find the willpower, interest, passion (the tiny atomic dusting there is of that regardless)- to do ANYTHING about ANYTHING. It is infuriating and depressing and mind numbing all rolled into one sweet sweet package of NOTHING. A big ol NOTHING burger for a life. I am trying to not be like this and sound like a broken record to myself atp but I wear to god I am trying. And that has to mean something to someone somewhere... right right.
In consequence of everything I've spat out above, this whole website buiz has haunted me. Little demons in my ears yelling at me to finish what I started and to give it all up. I do not know how to be an adult or to harness my free will. We persist, god do we ever persist. I will try for past me's sake to do something soon. I have a ton of stuff I just need to smash it all together into something actually useable. Prayers.
Climbing the walls of this well regardless of a flood because I have no trust in Nature.
BEE <3